It's ok to not be ok!

You know I always felt guilty for different feelings I had.  I did not want to feel sad, lonely, not wanting to participate in any activities, etc.  However, it's how it was.  So many times I just went through the motions all the while telling myself 'you should not feel this way'.  So I would put on my 'happy face' as much as I could.  The only problem was if you know me at all you could (and still can) tell what kind of mood I'm in just by looking at me, so it isn't so easy to hide sometimes.  I thought I always had to look like I had it together.  I needed to appear I was the greatest wife, an awesome mom, a great employee, and that my life was as close to perfect as it could get.  Even when I went to church people would say 'how are you' and I would say 'I'm fine, good or great'; actually sometimes I was lying all along.  Besides already feeling bad, then I felt worse because all the while I was lying, and I knew that was wrong, so it just made me feel worse.

In some of my therapy sessions, my therapist would say 'give yourself permission to feel.....'  She said  sometimes just be saying 'Sandy, tonight I give you permission to not clean the house tonight'; 'I give you permission sit and color in a coloring book tonight.'  'I give you permission to do nothing guilt free.'  It seems like a weird thing to do, but if you are like me I always felt guilty because I thought I should be doing my duties and I felt bad just doing nothing.  However, if you actually tell yourself 'I give you permission' it does something inside that frees you and the guilt can't follow.  Try it some time and see what you think.

One other thing which has relieved me is when my pastor was giving a sermon about depression.  He said 'it is okay to not be okay'.  You see sometimes as christians we feel like depression is a sin.  It is not a sin!  It is Satan's way of keeping you away from God, away from church, away from friends, and secluded.  If Satan can do that then you can't get better.  But in most everyone's life you will have a bout of depression anywhere from minor to major.  MANY people think that christians shouldn't feel this way.  So when my pastor said 'it's okay to not be okay' I was very surprised.  My ears perked up and made me listen more intently.  Did you know there are people in the bible that were depressed.  The thing that is not ok is for you to stay there which, as I said, is where Satan wants us to stay.

So.....give yourself permission to feel how you feel.  If you don't feel okay that's fine, but don't stay there!  Get out.  Share with someone how you feel.  Don't stay secluded and just keep trying!!!

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

September is National Suicide Prevention Month. 

90% of the people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable pyschiatric disorder at the time of their death. 

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), nearly 3000 people on average commit suicide daily. Suicide rates are at an all time high for Veterans. In addition, for every person who commits suicide, 20 or more others attempt to end their lives.

About one million people die by suicide each year (WHO). World Suicide Prevention Day, which first started in 2003, is recognized annually on Sept. 10. World Suicide Prevention Day aims to:

1. Raise awareness that suicide is preventable
2. Improve education about suicide
3. Spread information about suicide awareness
4. Decrease stigmatization regarding suicide

If you are considering suicide, please think about it one more time!  If you feel and/or are alone, please call a suicide hotline, go to a hospital emergency room, or a church!!! Your life matters to God and others. I promise!!!!! 

YOU MATTER!!!!!

I enjoyed the movie "The Help".  Aibileen Clark was a character in the movie who was a nanny for a 3 year old little girl.  When the little girl woke up in the mornings and/or from her naps, Aibileen would always tell her "You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important."  She was trying to instill self worth in this little girl.  In this movie, the little girl's mother was always demeaning her.

It made me think about the things we tell ourselves and where those things came from.  You might be saying that only those of us who came from bad homes, had verbally abusive families, alcoholics, etc. would have low self worth.  I can say from personal experience that is not always the case.

Maybe you had people who made fun of you in school or maybe you are or have been in an abusive relationship.  Maybe you had a bad home life without any encouragement and nothing you could do was right.  For me, I wanted so badly to be liked by others even into my adult years.  Many of us look to other people to find our self worth.  If we do something "someone else" thinks is wrong, we are a bad person, an unkind person, or a worthless person.

Sometimes, we are our own worst enemies.  Let me ask you something.  Have you ever thought about what you think about?  I know that sounds bizarre, but hang in there with me.  My pastor was telling us one day how many thoughts that goes through our head in one day; it was up in the 10s of thousands.  So I decided to be more conscious about what I think or tell myself.  It was an interesting experiment.  Here are some of the conversations that went through my head:  your outfit makes you look fat, you didn't go to church last night so you are a horrible person; you deserve what's coming to you, you cannot follow through with anything, you can't help any one because you have been through depression, you don't pray enough so you don't have a good relationship with God, do you really think you can be a better person.......

BUT the dialogue I had with myself is not true.  God made us all in His image.  God does not demean us!  God does not say if you don't do this I won't love you.  EACH and EVERY one of you is someone special no matter what you or anyone else tells you.

Let this verse sink into your head!  Repeat it and repeat it until you believe it then repeat it some more.  Psalm 139:14 "You are fearfully and wonderfully made."  God made you.  You ARE special!  You ARE beautiful inside and out!  You HAVE something to offer that no one else can offer!  There is someone out there who needs what only you can give them!!!!!!  YOU MATTER!!!!!

Friends! Friends! Friends!

Some people have a lot of friends.  Some have just acquaintances.  Some have none.  I guess it depends on your definition of a friend.  My definition of a friend is someone who loves you no matter what.  They may not agree with everything you say or do, but they are your friend anyway.  They laugh with you, cry with you and encourage you.  They don't make fun of you or put you down.  It is hard to find these kind of friends.  Those of us who have dealt with depression and its shame find it very hard to confide in anyone because we are afraid they will believe in the stigma about depression.  I've been hurt by people so it was extremely hard for me to get close to anyone.  It took years and years to find a friend I could confide in about all the problems I was having and all that went along with depression i.e. anger, uncontrollable tears, sadness, no enthusiasm, no hope, etc.  I have prayed for friends for years.  It took awhile, but God answered my prayers!  When I finally found someone I felt comfortable enough to share my feelings with, there was no condemnation.  I was able to share things with them and I felt accepted.  When I was accepted, depression and all, there was this relief.  Of course, the depression didn't just go away, but I didn't feel like I had to hide anymore.  I had at least one person to talk with, to laugh and cry with, and to get encouragement from.  I encourage you to find at least one person you can do this with.  Pray for a friend to come into your life who can encourage you.  It will help you in so many ways!  I can almost say for certain that each of you reading this has at least one person in your life who loves you for who you are and I bet they would love to help you!!!