Merry Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Thank you to all who have followed my blog!!!  I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to share my story with you.  

I pray for each of you who read the blog.  I truly do.  I pray what I write will be helpful to you or someone you know!

I want to wish each of you a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!  There are so many clichés especially this time of year, but I do mean it.  I pray each of you would spend at least a few moments to think on what it really means to celebrate Christmas.  

We celebrate the birth of Jesus who would later in His life die on the cross for our sins.  If it weren’t for His birth, where would we all be?  I pray each of you has a relationship with our Heavenly Father.  He loved us enough to send His son to be born of a virgin so that you would not have to live life without him.  

May you all be blessed this season!!!!!

JOURNALING

I love writing; literally physically writing words on paper.  When I was a little girl, I would copy books.  I would use different colored pens.  I would print, write in cursive and try to find new ways to make letters look cool.  To this day, I still love to do it.

When I became an adult, I would write about my day, my dreams, my frustrations, etc.  In the beginning of my diagnosis of depression, my psychiatrist suggested I continue journaling.  She suggested I write down every feeling I had; write like I was talking to a friend; write like I was talking to myself and giving myself advice, and/or write to God.  And that's what I did and have continued to do throughout my life.

What I found very interesting about journaling is this:  While writing my thoughts and feelings, I would spontaneously write something I had not "thought" of.  Have you ever talked with someone and while sharing  you figured out the answer to a problem just by talking out loud?  That's what journaling can do as well.

This process kind of reminds me what our English teachers used to make us do called "free writing".  The teachers would give us a word or subject and we had so many minutes to write anything we thought of during that time.  It did not have to have correct grammar, punctuation, etc.  This process was to help us open up and free our minds.  Well that is actually what journaling has done for me.  There are times I have written out of anger and realized I was actually wrong.  I have come across solutions to problems while writing.  So it has been very beneficial for me.

For me and many others I know, journaling is cathartic.  As I write, I am able to pour out the bottled up emotions on paper.  It is not good to hold things in, and many times we don't have someone we can or want to share those deep dark thoughts with.  Hence, there is journaling.

I encourage you to give it a try.  You don't have to have a "special" journal.  Just get a piece of paper and a writing utensil.  However, you can make it fun.  Go get a journal, a cute or cool looking notebook.  Buy pens or pencils you like.  Decorate your journal.  Do whatever you want.  It's yours.  Make it fun or just use a piece of paper and then burn or shred it if so desired.  Do not make it complicated.  It is not meant to be stressful.  Give it a try.  Comment back to me and let me know your thoughts, if you tried it, and how it went.

5 MINUTES AT A TIME

Time is all about perspective.  There are 1,440 minutes in a day.  Consider these perspectives:

* If you work an 8-hour day and like your job, 480 minutes goes pretty quickly.  However, if you don't like your job, it seems like an eternity.
* If you sit in classroom for an hour and listen to a teacher with a monotone voice, 60 minutes is a long time.  However, if the teacher is funny and interesting, 60 minutes goes fast.
* If you are giving birth without any anesthesia and they tell you just 5 more minutes, those 5 minutes can be torcher, literally.

We hear so often people say 'one day at a time'.  It's not a bad statement.  It's actually very applicable and biblical.  It's means just deal with today.  Although through my experience, a day with depression can be an extremely long day and excruciating day!!!

First of all, many of us with depression do not want to get out of bed.  If you have to work, run errands, take care of the kids, etc., the day seems way longer than 1,440 minutes.  If you are depressed and you don't want others to know, you not only have to push through the day, you have to put a mask on and fake like everything is okay which, I feel, makes time go slower.

The days we can't get out of the house to do errands and/or can't bring ourselves to get out of bed, one hour might as well be 24 hours.  I titled this "5 minutes at a time" for a reason.  In the deeper depression times when it feels like you are walking through quicksand to get through the day, sometimes 5 minutes is all you can focus on.  In those times, changing our perspective from one day to 5 minutes at a time is more helpful.  Heck, set a timer to help you focus on one thing and once it goes off, you can say "I made it".  It may sound so silly, but it is not for those of us who have or are experiencing depression.  We need all the encouragement we can get.  So focus on 5 minutes and then congratulate yourself and use that as encouragement to say "I can do another 5".

Equipment

Equipment is needed for specific sports.  You cannot use a baseball glove to catch a football.  You can't use a bat to hit a basketball.  So, in each situation in our lives, we need specific types of equipment to help us.

As far as depression, sadness, or suicide goes, we need equipment we can go use to help us.  We want to use the right equipment at the right times.

Take baseball for instance.  If you are on defense in the outfield, you wouldn't take a bat to catch the baseball; you would make a glove right?  Or vice versa, if you were up to bat, you wouldn't take a glove to hit the ball.

It's the same thing in life.  You need certain things you can have to help you through each situation.  Here are a few pieces of equipment I use:

1.  Journal - For me, writing down my feelings, thoughts, or just what happened in the day makes me feel better and sometimes shows a different perspective on things.

2.  Music - Music can be an outlet for people.  You can listen to music to help you relax, to inspire you, or to dance frustrations away.

3.  Reading - Reading can sometimes take you to another world.  Reading can also give you encouragement.

4.  Friends - True friends love you when you are up or down.  If you are like me, it might be hard to pick up the phone and say 'I'm not doing great and I need someone to talk to'.  BUT if you are like me, you want to be there for your friends and you would want them to call you when they need help.  So I encourage you to use this special piece of equipment.

5.  Call your therapist, psychiatrist or physician.  If things are really getting out of control, you may need to get on some medications temporarily or get medications adjusted.  Plus doctors are there to help you by listening as well and may have other pieces of equipment to use that you are not aware of.

6.  Your church family and or pastor.  Reading the Bible and prayer.

Everyone copes differently.  Sometimes a particular situation may require only a couple pieces of equipment and other times you might need all of them.  Either way, try to keep each one of these in mind.  You can even let me know what kind of equipment you use and when it helps you!!!

R.E.S.T.

Rest?  Most of us would say 'Rest.  What is that?  Are you kidding me?  My life is so stressful I don't have time to rest.'  And if I were to come into your home and look at your calendar, I most probably would agree.  BUT.....

But it is essential.

R=Required
E=Equipment
for
S=Stress
T=Treatment

When I came home from work, it was a requirement not to hit me with 5,000 things as I walked in the door.  I needed at least 5-15 minutes alone to decompress.  It may appear selfish, but I knew myself.  I knew if I didn't get those few minutes the evening could go in a wrong direction.  So I gave myself permission.

Rest doesn't have to mean a day or a weekend, although there are times when we can do that.  But sometimes we have to take just a few minutes.  Here's some good advice I received once.  Get a box with a favorite CD, a candle or something similar with your favorite smell, something comforting like a soft blanket, pillow, stuffed animal, your Bible, a book of encouraging words, etc.  When things feel like they are starting to get to be too much, give yourself permission to get that box.  Find a quiet place and get what you need from the box; maybe one item or all.

A friend of mine and I used to joke about hanging a sign on our bedroom or office door that said "If there is no blood, there is no reason to knock on this door."  I believe you are a better mom, dad, spouse, etc. if you allow yourself to R.E.S.T.  GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TODAY!!!!

A Letter to You

Someone very special sent this to me when I needed it.  It was so good I wanted to share it with you and I hope and pray it will encourage you too!

"This letter is to you.

The you that's had a rough week.  The you that seems to be under constant storm clouds.  The you that feels invisible.  The you that doesn't know how much longer you can hold on.  The you that has lost faith.  The you that always blames yourself for everything that goes wrong.  To you.

You are incredible.  You make this world a little bit more wonderful.  You have so much potential and so many things left to do.  You have time.  Better things are coming your way, so please hang in there.  You can do it."

Anxiety

These past 2 weeks have been CRAZY for me.  I had a car wreck which totaled my car.  My dog may has a herniated disk in his back and if he needs surgery it could cost up to $6000.00, REALLY?  Plus if he has the surgery it is only a 50/50 shot that he will not be paralyzed and have to have a lot more medical care.  My dog is actually taking the same pain pills and muscle relaxers as me.  I thought that was kind of funny/strange, huh?  Is he taking human drugs or am I taking dog drugs, just kidding!  Then when I went back to work my knee started bothering me.  I went back to the doctor and now I may have a torn meniscus.  So, I'm dealing with insurance issues, doctor's visits, veterinary visits, pharmacy visits, possible surgery, work issues etc.  So, do you think I'm stressed?  That would be a big YES!

I know I'm not the only one feeling stress in their lives.  So how do you handle it?

My pastor said once "Where we focus is where we will go."  This means if we focus on the anxiety, frustration, and the unknown, that's where we will stay.  God wants us to focus on Him and before we know it the obstacle will be behind us.  "When we are in the middle of stress" before we know it seems like an eternity.  Whether we feel it sometimes or not, God is always by our side.  In Psalm 46:10 it says "Be still and know that I am God".  To me this means, relax, rest, breath slow and deep and let God take over.  I like that idea because when I feel anxious that's all I want to do is nothing.  I also want someone else to handle it for me.  Unfortunately, we can't just keep laying still and expect God to do all the work for us, but he can help us through the day.  We just have to ask for help.  It may come in a big or small way.  He may just give us strength to get through the day 5 minutes at a time.

Let me tell you I'm struggling right now.  I'm not preaching at you; I'm talking to me as well.  It's been difficult these last couple of weeks.  I just want you to know I'm not here to give you fake encouragement; I struggle still.  My encouragement is real, but my struggles are real.  I have to walk through it just like you do, but I want to help you see some steps to take that can help all of us.  Let me just say one more thing.  This takes practice over and over.  I've been dealing with "stuff" for 25 years and I still struggle in trust, faith, and patience, but with practice I have gotten better.  Also, with practice, God has proven He is always right there with me.  Struggle is real, but so is God!!!  Don't give up because God never gives up on you!!!

Emotions and Darkness to Movement

There are so many emotions that go along with depression:

* Fatigue
* Anger
* Decreased or increased appetite

* Lack of deep sleep or oversleeping

* Loss of desire to do anything
* Not wanting to be around people
* Hopelessness (Feeling like your in a dark hole and can't get out)
* Helplessness

I could actually go on and on, but these are the some of the main feelings attached to depression.  You've more than likely heard the phrase "I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel"; this is so true for people with depression.  All we can see is darkness; the kind of darkness that you can't see your hand in front of you.  It's suffocating.  It's so dark you are afraid to move.  So what happens many times is we don't move.  You don't want anyone to have to come get you from the darkness because you are embarrassed that you are there AND embarrassed or ashamed that you have to ask for help.  Plus if you stay still nothing worse can happen to you, but if you don't move nothing good will happen either.

So what do you do?

Take the first step.  I know! I know!  No pun intended with the title "Walkinigtthru".  However, it is true.  The first step could be:
* Just to get out of bed in the morning
* Put on clothes or makeup
* Pray (even if all you can say is "help" or "Jesus"
* Call a friend
* Go to work
* Go to the doctor
* Say one good thing about yourself

I'm the type of person if I have a project I think about the project as a whole; I don't think small or one thing or one step at a time.  I would think 'I want to stop being depressed'.  So instead of taking one of those at a time; I'm looking way ahead and trying to figure out how to do all of them and get to the end all at once. Then......I'm overwhelmed again and say 'what's the use' and I don't do anything.  Hence, one step at a time.

This takes practice and practice and practice.  I promise eventually it will become easier.  Believe me, when people would tell me what I'm telling you I would get so frustrated.  I felt like one step is not enough, but one step is too much.  Please trust me when I say you are worth the effort!!!!!  

It's ok to not be ok!

You know I always felt guilty for different feelings I had.  I did not want to feel sad, lonely, not wanting to participate in any activities, etc.  However, it's how it was.  So many times I just went through the motions all the while telling myself 'you should not feel this way'.  So I would put on my 'happy face' as much as I could.  The only problem was if you know me at all you could (and still can) tell what kind of mood I'm in just by looking at me, so it isn't so easy to hide sometimes.  I thought I always had to look like I had it together.  I needed to appear I was the greatest wife, an awesome mom, a great employee, and that my life was as close to perfect as it could get.  Even when I went to church people would say 'how are you' and I would say 'I'm fine, good or great'; actually sometimes I was lying all along.  Besides already feeling bad, then I felt worse because all the while I was lying, and I knew that was wrong, so it just made me feel worse.

In some of my therapy sessions, my therapist would say 'give yourself permission to feel.....'  She said  sometimes just be saying 'Sandy, tonight I give you permission to not clean the house tonight'; 'I give you permission sit and color in a coloring book tonight.'  'I give you permission to do nothing guilt free.'  It seems like a weird thing to do, but if you are like me I always felt guilty because I thought I should be doing my duties and I felt bad just doing nothing.  However, if you actually tell yourself 'I give you permission' it does something inside that frees you and the guilt can't follow.  Try it some time and see what you think.

One other thing which has relieved me is when my pastor was giving a sermon about depression.  He said 'it is okay to not be okay'.  You see sometimes as christians we feel like depression is a sin.  It is not a sin!  It is Satan's way of keeping you away from God, away from church, away from friends, and secluded.  If Satan can do that then you can't get better.  But in most everyone's life you will have a bout of depression anywhere from minor to major.  MANY people think that christians shouldn't feel this way.  So when my pastor said 'it's okay to not be okay' I was very surprised.  My ears perked up and made me listen more intently.  Did you know there are people in the bible that were depressed.  The thing that is not ok is for you to stay there which, as I said, is where Satan wants us to stay.

So.....give yourself permission to feel how you feel.  If you don't feel okay that's fine, but don't stay there!  Get out.  Share with someone how you feel.  Don't stay secluded and just keep trying!!!

September is National Suicide Prevention Month

September is National Suicide Prevention Month. 

90% of the people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable pyschiatric disorder at the time of their death. 

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), nearly 3000 people on average commit suicide daily. Suicide rates are at an all time high for Veterans. In addition, for every person who commits suicide, 20 or more others attempt to end their lives.

About one million people die by suicide each year (WHO). World Suicide Prevention Day, which first started in 2003, is recognized annually on Sept. 10. World Suicide Prevention Day aims to:

1. Raise awareness that suicide is preventable
2. Improve education about suicide
3. Spread information about suicide awareness
4. Decrease stigmatization regarding suicide

If you are considering suicide, please think about it one more time!  If you feel and/or are alone, please call a suicide hotline, go to a hospital emergency room, or a church!!! Your life matters to God and others. I promise!!!!! 

YOU MATTER!!!!!

I enjoyed the movie "The Help".  Aibileen Clark was a character in the movie who was a nanny for a 3 year old little girl.  When the little girl woke up in the mornings and/or from her naps, Aibileen would always tell her "You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important."  She was trying to instill self worth in this little girl.  In this movie, the little girl's mother was always demeaning her.

It made me think about the things we tell ourselves and where those things came from.  You might be saying that only those of us who came from bad homes, had verbally abusive families, alcoholics, etc. would have low self worth.  I can say from personal experience that is not always the case.

Maybe you had people who made fun of you in school or maybe you are or have been in an abusive relationship.  Maybe you had a bad home life without any encouragement and nothing you could do was right.  For me, I wanted so badly to be liked by others even into my adult years.  Many of us look to other people to find our self worth.  If we do something "someone else" thinks is wrong, we are a bad person, an unkind person, or a worthless person.

Sometimes, we are our own worst enemies.  Let me ask you something.  Have you ever thought about what you think about?  I know that sounds bizarre, but hang in there with me.  My pastor was telling us one day how many thoughts that goes through our head in one day; it was up in the 10s of thousands.  So I decided to be more conscious about what I think or tell myself.  It was an interesting experiment.  Here are some of the conversations that went through my head:  your outfit makes you look fat, you didn't go to church last night so you are a horrible person; you deserve what's coming to you, you cannot follow through with anything, you can't help any one because you have been through depression, you don't pray enough so you don't have a good relationship with God, do you really think you can be a better person.......

BUT the dialogue I had with myself is not true.  God made us all in His image.  God does not demean us!  God does not say if you don't do this I won't love you.  EACH and EVERY one of you is someone special no matter what you or anyone else tells you.

Let this verse sink into your head!  Repeat it and repeat it until you believe it then repeat it some more.  Psalm 139:14 "You are fearfully and wonderfully made."  God made you.  You ARE special!  You ARE beautiful inside and out!  You HAVE something to offer that no one else can offer!  There is someone out there who needs what only you can give them!!!!!!  YOU MATTER!!!!!

Friends! Friends! Friends!

Some people have a lot of friends.  Some have just acquaintances.  Some have none.  I guess it depends on your definition of a friend.  My definition of a friend is someone who loves you no matter what.  They may not agree with everything you say or do, but they are your friend anyway.  They laugh with you, cry with you and encourage you.  They don't make fun of you or put you down.  It is hard to find these kind of friends.  Those of us who have dealt with depression and its shame find it very hard to confide in anyone because we are afraid they will believe in the stigma about depression.  I've been hurt by people so it was extremely hard for me to get close to anyone.  It took years and years to find a friend I could confide in about all the problems I was having and all that went along with depression i.e. anger, uncontrollable tears, sadness, no enthusiasm, no hope, etc.  I have prayed for friends for years.  It took awhile, but God answered my prayers!  When I finally found someone I felt comfortable enough to share my feelings with, there was no condemnation.  I was able to share things with them and I felt accepted.  When I was accepted, depression and all, there was this relief.  Of course, the depression didn't just go away, but I didn't feel like I had to hide anymore.  I had at least one person to talk with, to laugh and cry with, and to get encouragement from.  I encourage you to find at least one person you can do this with.  Pray for a friend to come into your life who can encourage you.  It will help you in so many ways!  I can almost say for certain that each of you reading this has at least one person in your life who loves you for who you are and I bet they would love to help you!!!

Robin Williams

When Robin Williams committed suicide, it was a shock to the world. Those of us who grew up watching him were in awe of his amazing talent and wit. When I heard the news of his suicide, it validated the fact that NO ONE truly knows what is going on in someone's head!!!  Many people probably thought 'he is rich and famous and has it all'. That is one of the main points of depression; you can have it all or have it better than others, but 'the disease of depression' takes over and doesn't let us be happy about anything.  One of my main reasons for this blog is to make sure I can get the message out to others I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did!  I came across the quote by Robin Williams below and thought it is very fitting for many of us who are or have gone through depression!!!

"I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that". Robin Williams

Snap out of it?!

Has anyone ever told you that?  "Snap out of it.  Put on your big girl/big boy panties and get on with it!  Suck it up."  I don't know about you, but those comments made me angry and feel worse about myself because I couldn't do it.  I tried.  I tried so many times just to make myself get out of bed, but I couldn't.  The days I could get out of bed, my depression was still there and it came out in other destructive ways.  What so many people, especially those who have never been through depression, don't understand is sometimes you don't have control over your feelings.  If you are severely depressed, you need medication to help you get through it.  You see, within our brain there are chemical messengers called neurotransmitters.  When they are healthy, we function well.  However, if we lack one of those 'messengers', it can cause depression.  Therefore, we need medication to get our chemical messengers back in line.  Have you ever told someone with diabetes, heart disease, or cancer, just to snap out of it?  Of course not.  Even if we did, it wouldn't work.  Our brain is no different than any other organ in our body.  Our brain is an organ too.  So if people take medication for diabetes or heart disease, why is it so different to take medication for depression?  THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE!  Do not be ashamed to ask for help.  If you don't want people to know you're depressed and/or on medication that's fine, but you deserve to take care of yourself!!!!!  God put physicians in this world to help us!  God wants to help us!  You are worth taking care of yourself!!!!

Beginning our walk!

As I was looking at this picture, it reminds me of how I felt at times walking through various periods of depression in my life.  Sometimes things were so bad (the walk seemed too steep); I just wanted to jump in the water and say "forget it; this is too hard".  Sometimes I could see to the other side; it was flat and more stable.  I thought if I could just take a leap of faith, the "walk" would be a little easier.

Whether you are the person going through depression and/or having thoughts of suicide OR you are the friend or loved one watching someone go through these times, I want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  This disease, and yes it is an actual disease, causes us to believe we are the only one it is happening to and no one would understand.  But so many people care about you!!! I named my blog Walkinitthru because it is what we have to do.  If we can only take 1 step (figuratively) a day, that's better than none at all.  Just like in the movie Finding Nemo, Dora said "Just keep swimming", I'm encouraging you to just keep walking.  Walk it thru!  You will make it!  Don't give up!  Life is hard, but life can get better! My desire for this blog is to provide encouragement, tips on how to get through things, stories of my personal walk, and hopefully some laughter along the way.