The Hard Truths About Life with Mental Illness

DISCLAIMER:  I found this writing below on something I read.  I had to share it because I feel it is dead on about how many of us feel.  Hope it helps!

OK, real talk. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of feeling crappy all the time. I’m tired of always reading the situation, watching and waiting for anxiety to pounce. I’m tired of depression ruining a good week. I’m tired of feeling short-tempered and cranky because my moods change so frequently and intensely.

I hate that insomnia and I have become reluctant friends, and sleep and I aren’t talking. I hate hating myself. I hate blaming myself. I hate hurting. I hate hurting others because I’m hurting. I hate seeing my relationships hurt and fall apart. I hate not having energy or interest in much, if anything. I hate fighting, and I hate losing.

Almost every day now, I convince myself recovery is a pipe dream. I see where I’ve been, I see where I am and I see how many millions of miles away recovery is. I know it’s not getting any closer. I’m not getting any better. I’m getting worse, and I’ve been getting worse for a long time.

I’m not saying this to throw my own pity party. I’m saying this, here in this space, because I know you’ve said it too. At least once, maybe many more times than that. We all know mental illness sucks big time. It’s a fact of life. However, knowing this, knowing what we face every day, knowing what we’ve gone through and knowing what we will go through is just going to be as bad if not worse, makes us some bad ass warriors.

So, yes. This sucks. We can go ahead and throw the blame around on God, genetics, the environment or our upbringings. The fact remains that we are stuck with these illnesses — but, we have learned to live with them.

We have learned how to celebrate our good days and manage our bad days. We have learned what helps and what doesn’t. We have learned how to cohabitate with these snakes in the grass. We have indeed made progress from where we were.

So, even if we have a million miles to go toward recovery, we can look at ourselves in the mirror and say, “Even if I only take one small step today, I got this.” We do indeed got this because we are finding our strength every day. We are fighting every day. Even though it doesn’t always feel like it, we are indeed winning every single day. We got this.

Stay strong.

During the Good Times

I have found over the years when the bad times happen, when depression has kicked into high gear, I do not want to do anything, go anywhere, talk to anyone, etc.  Most of us with mental illness can relate to this in similar ways.  Many times when things are bad, I cannot talk myself into doing anything, even answer text messages.

In previous blogs, I've talked about things we can do during the bad times to help us through.  However, what I have discovered for me is I need to decide what to do during the good times so when the bad times come I have a plan in place.

1) Get an accountability partner.  This can be a good friend, coworker, pastor, classmate, etc.  You need someone you can trust and understands what you need.  When you call them, you don't have to go into details; just make up a couple of words so they know you need help; help to encourage you to get out of bed, show up to work, class, church, etc.

2) Decide to take a bath or a shower.  This seems like an obvious simple thing, but in the middle of depression it is not.  Most of the time if I can get away with it and know that I don't have to see anyone, why take a shower is my thought.  It is amazing what a simple shower or bath can do for your mental welfare.  Make the decision to drag yourself into the bathroom and clean up, even it is a 3 minute event.

3) Decide to walk outside and stand in the sun for 5-10 minutes.  Sunlight is a source of vitamin D which plays a role in our depression.

4) Do not cancel commitments.  Go to class, your child's school event, a friend's baby shower, church, work, etc.

Again, these things may seem silly to people who do not struggle with a mental illness.  But during the good times when depression is under control, we need to make decisions on what we need to do when depression is out of control.  This can help us through!!!

Boundaries for the Holidays

Boundaries.  What comes to mind when you hear that word?  Good? Bad?  Boundaries is like a fenced in yard that keeps you from getting out and getting hurt, but it also keeps bad things from getting inside the fence which can protect you.  It's all in the way you look at it.  

One day someone explained how boundaries can protect me.  She said you have to know your limitations.  For instance, I know that I cannot bake something every night of the week, stay up late, find an outfit for a party that weekend, work on Christmas cards, and still get enough rest to go to work the next day AND not be stressed.  So, for me, I know I have to either give something up or delegate.  Knowing this has helped my stress level immensely, made me happier, and I enjoy things a lot more.  However, setting boundaries takes practice, but again we need to change our thinking because once we get used to setting boundaries life will be more enjoyable.

In the past, it was very difficult for me to say no to anyone.  Due to that reason, there came a time in my life where I had to make a choice (set a boundary).  I put stress on myself by feeling I had to accomplish certain things AND I found it extremely difficult to say no.  To decrease my stress level, I had to decide what things I could give up and what things I could handle.  Basically, I was setting boundaries.    

Here are some examples of things to consider setting boundaries on:

* Christmas cards and/or pictures for Christmas cards

* Buying gifts and how much to spend (which will help your budget)

* How many parties do we go to

* Where do we make the cut off of who to buy gifts for

* Who's house do we go to for each holiday and how many in one day

* Oh My Gosh, can we tell Aunt Sally we cannot come to her house this year when we have went there for the last 5-10 years

Now, you are probably thinking 'I can't tell Aunt Sally I won't be there for dinner and we have to buy Uncle Pete's daughter's child a gift for Christmas', right?

I didn't say this would be easy, but I believe you might feel relieved; I definitely have.  I'll be honest, each year something comes up and it is difficult to set a boundary, but I have to do it for my health.  I now know what happens to me when I don't set a boundary; my personal stress level goes up, I become irritable and impatient.  

I'm finally more aware of my triggers so I know where to set my boundaries.  There are things I have chosen not to do anymore at the holiday time.  I have had to stop a couple traditions.  I plan ahead and know who I'll buy gifts for and how much I'll spend.  This did not all happen at once though, but each one has helped my physical and psychological well being.  

Warning:  People will not like it when you set boundaries, because when you set boundaries they don't get "their" way.  But if I don't set boundaries, I'm the one who pays the price not them.  A very dear friend taught me two statements many years ago that have been so so helpful for me: 

1) I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to do that.

2) Let me check my schedule and I'll get back to you.

Start thinking now about what you want your holiday season to look like.  Set your boundaries now.  Start practicing the statements above.  I have had to practice saying them out loud over and over to help me in certain situations which might come up.  It seems silly, but if it is difficult for you to tell people no or feel like you are letting them down, practicing saying these things may just help you.

Send me a comment of your thoughts and ideas about how manage your holidays and boundaries you use.  Your comments could help many others.  May your holidays be set with boundaries that bring you peace.