The Struggle is Real!

I just recently learned people are 40% more likely to commit suicide in January than any other time.  All this time I thought it was in December.  My logic was the difficulties of the holidays whether it be finances, loneliness, grief, changes in life over the last year, etc.

So as I thought about the reason, it kind of makes sense.  There is this hype or buildup to the holidays; good or bad.  The stress level is difficult even in the best of circumstances.  We are have gifts to buy, and we feel the need to meet or better last year's gifts and experiences.  There are parties or events to attend.  We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by not coming to their party or family time together; so there's that weight of guilt and decision making.  For those of us who struggle with depression, the season multiples these feelings.

Then the holidays are over.  Relieved?!  Let down?  Families from out of town went home.  Bills start coming in for the charges we made to pay for gifts.  That's when I understood about the increase in suicide.

So, what is the solution?  Understand you are not alone and what you are feeling is real.  Everyone is all about New Year's resolutions right now and my advice is to make a resolution to just take one day at a time.  Obviously, you can't pay off the credit cards in a month, so make your goals small.  Decide to let go of your guilt about things you couldn't do during the holidays.  Maybe send cards or make a call to those people you were not able to spend time with.  Last but not least, take some time to jot down the good things that happened during the holidays.  This way you can end on a good note and visibly see the good which will help to make a good choice to move forward with a positive note!  Please don't commit suicide---you WILL be missed.  The struggle is real, but you have made it this far!!!!

Boundaries for the Holidays

Boundaries.  What comes to mind when you hear that word?  Good? Bad?  Boundaries is like a fenced in yard that keeps you from getting out and getting hurt, but it also keeps bad things from getting inside the fence which can protect you.  It's all in the way you look at it.  

One day someone explained how boundaries can protect me.  She said you have to know your limitations.  For instance, I know that I cannot bake something every night of the week, stay up late, find an outfit for a party that weekend, work on Christmas cards, and still get enough rest to go to work the next day AND not be stressed.  So, for me, I know I have to either give something up or delegate.  Knowing this has helped my stress level immensely, made me happier, and I enjoy things a lot more.  However, setting boundaries takes practice, but again we need to change our thinking because once we get used to setting boundaries life will be more enjoyable.

In the past, it was very difficult for me to say no to anyone.  Due to that reason, there came a time in my life where I had to make a choice (set a boundary).  I put stress on myself by feeling I had to accomplish certain things AND I found it extremely difficult to say no.  To decrease my stress level, I had to decide what things I could give up and what things I could handle.  Basically, I was setting boundaries.    

Here are some examples of things to consider setting boundaries on:

* Christmas cards and/or pictures for Christmas cards

* Buying gifts and how much to spend (which will help your budget)

* How many parties do we go to

* Where do we make the cut off of who to buy gifts for

* Who's house do we go to for each holiday and how many in one day

* Oh My Gosh, can we tell Aunt Sally we cannot come to her house this year when we have went there for the last 5-10 years

Now, you are probably thinking 'I can't tell Aunt Sally I won't be there for dinner and we have to buy Uncle Pete's daughter's child a gift for Christmas', right?

I didn't say this would be easy, but I believe you might feel relieved; I definitely have.  I'll be honest, each year something comes up and it is difficult to set a boundary, but I have to do it for my health.  I now know what happens to me when I don't set a boundary; my personal stress level goes up, I become irritable and impatient.  

I'm finally more aware of my triggers so I know where to set my boundaries.  There are things I have chosen not to do anymore at the holiday time.  I have had to stop a couple traditions.  I plan ahead and know who I'll buy gifts for and how much I'll spend.  This did not all happen at once though, but each one has helped my physical and psychological well being.  

Warning:  People will not like it when you set boundaries, because when you set boundaries they don't get "their" way.  But if I don't set boundaries, I'm the one who pays the price not them.  A very dear friend taught me two statements many years ago that have been so so helpful for me: 

1) I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to do that.

2) Let me check my schedule and I'll get back to you.

Start thinking now about what you want your holiday season to look like.  Set your boundaries now.  Start practicing the statements above.  I have had to practice saying them out loud over and over to help me in certain situations which might come up.  It seems silly, but if it is difficult for you to tell people no or feel like you are letting them down, practicing saying these things may just help you.

Send me a comment of your thoughts and ideas about how manage your holidays and boundaries you use.  Your comments could help many others.  May your holidays be set with boundaries that bring you peace.