Alone

One of the symptoms of depression is not wanting to be with others and losing interest in activities.  These symptoms can occur with mild to severe depression.  During my mild depression, I just didn't want to do anything with my family or daily things like going to the grocery or doing dishes.  All I wanted to do was sit and/or sleep.  However, during my deepest depression, I would stay in bed all day in the dark with my door closed.  Sometimes I would turn my phone off and just disconnect.  Doing this made it easier for me because I didn't have to lie to anyone when they asked 'how are you?'  Plus if I stayed home no one could tell what kind of mood I was in.  It is extremely difficult for me to disguise how I'm feeling.  I do not "fake it" well.  

Later in my years of depression after a lot of counseling, I was encouraged to find activities to do and just force myself to go.  I will have to admit this was a very big challenge for me.  However, what did help was when I got involved in a woman's group at church and volunteering.  Not only did this help me find friends and people I could trust, it forced (for lack of a better word) me to get out of the house.  I am a responsible person so I don't want to let anyone down, therefore, it was not easy for me to back out of something I said I would do.  Amazingly enough, after I went to the activity, whatever that would be, i.e. church, activities with family, dinner and a movie with friends, etc., I felt so much better that I went.  So I encourage you to find something to do to help get out of depression.  So let me encourage you to just take that first step.  Small steps are better than no steps!!!  

Depression is like a car wreck

There are days you are just driving along in life looking at the scenery, thinking about all kinds of different things, maybe singing to the radio then WHAM someone hits your car.  Instantaneously that moment changes through no fault of your own.  You had control of you and your vehicle.  You were minding your own business.  Then out of the blue one thing that took a couple of seconds to happen has now caused your day and the future days to change.  Depression can be like a car wreck. 

I have had a couple of car wrecks in my life time; one was a fender-bender and one totaled my car.  The fender-bender happened because someone wasn’t paying attention and didn’t stop at a red light and ran into me.  This accident did not cause harm to anyone, but it did damage my vehicle.  I was able to drive home and we had to get an estimate and then get it fixed.  It made things a little inconvenient but not major.  

Sometimes, depression can be similar to a fender-bender.  It can be a trigger which can throw you off balance just a little.  Things like someone hurt your feelings, you made a mistake at work which drops your self-esteem, someone you love disappointed you, etc.

The second wreck I was on the highway slowing down for construction and the person who hit me was coming over a hill and did not see me.  They did not slow down and they were going about 60-65 mph.  I remember looking in the lane beside me, looking directly in front of me and then was hit…… 1-2-3.  It happened that fast.  This altered my life a lot for quite some time.  This caused injuries, surgery, time of work, no vehicle, and a lot of paper issues for months afterwards.

And sometimes depression can be similar to a major crash.  This is similar to a major depressive shift.  It can be caused from not setting boundaries and allowing hurts to come back into your life that you cannot control.  Your body can change causing your medication to not work like it has previously.  Sometimes there is no answer to why this happens, but it does and it is a big deal to someone who is depressed and working so hard to manage life.  You could have a car wreck, death of a loved one, loss of a job, etc.  

Those of us who have been through car wrecks know that things can change in an instant.  Depression is no different.  You can go from being excited about something and the next day you are crying and angry.  It is a challenge for those of us who deal with these unexpected situations to understand what’s going on.  But it is really confusing for those around us who have never personally dealt with depression.  

I would like to encourage you to have the people in your life read this blog to see if it can help them understand what it feels like for us when these things happen which in turn may help them to understand what it feels like for us.  

The Struggle is Real!

I just recently learned people are 40% more likely to commit suicide in January than any other time.  All this time I thought it was in December.  My logic was the difficulties of the holidays whether it be finances, loneliness, grief, changes in life over the last year, etc.

So as I thought about the reason, it kind of makes sense.  There is this hype or buildup to the holidays; good or bad.  The stress level is difficult even in the best of circumstances.  We are have gifts to buy, and we feel the need to meet or better last year's gifts and experiences.  There are parties or events to attend.  We don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by not coming to their party or family time together; so there's that weight of guilt and decision making.  For those of us who struggle with depression, the season multiples these feelings.

Then the holidays are over.  Relieved?!  Let down?  Families from out of town went home.  Bills start coming in for the charges we made to pay for gifts.  That's when I understood about the increase in suicide.

So, what is the solution?  Understand you are not alone and what you are feeling is real.  Everyone is all about New Year's resolutions right now and my advice is to make a resolution to just take one day at a time.  Obviously, you can't pay off the credit cards in a month, so make your goals small.  Decide to let go of your guilt about things you couldn't do during the holidays.  Maybe send cards or make a call to those people you were not able to spend time with.  Last but not least, take some time to jot down the good things that happened during the holidays.  This way you can end on a good note and visibly see the good which will help to make a good choice to move forward with a positive note!  Please don't commit suicide---you WILL be missed.  The struggle is real, but you have made it this far!!!!